Sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. Today I was stopped at a red light and was overcome by vivid images of the night Jonathan entered eternity. Of course it didn’t help that I was stopped staring directly at the hospital where valiant but unsuccessful efforts were made to save his life after that horrific motorcycle accident. Waiting for the light to change so I could go run my work errands, I was looking at a directional sign that said something about patients with an arrow and I was transported back to seeing his lifeless body laying there in the ER while Noah was gently stroking his freshly cut hair.
I tried to shake it off because I have so much to get done this week. I went about the rest of my day, and then it caught back up to me tonight. Now here I am in the middle of the night desperately trying to fall back asleep after an extremely awful night terror. I’m exhausted and my mind is swirling with so many things, but I keep landing back at how much I miss Jonathan. How much I wish for one of his super tight hugs. How I hate this journey of grief. Tonight is one of those times where my head and heart cannot come to an agreement, and I can’t even bring myself to say “not my will, Lord but Yours” because in this moment I just want to hear his giggle in person one more time. I want to be able to talk with him and laugh together at how funny his brother was in his Groundlings show the other night. I want to watch him tease his Marano brothers about who they are dating and laugh together with Nate at the silliest things. I want to watch him play with Jacob’s son, Luke, and walk around proud and somewhat arrogant that Luke’s middle name is Jonathan – after him.
Instead, the quilt made from his clothes is draped over me, I’ve watched all of the video clips I have of him stored on my phone and any minute now the essential oils I’m diffusing next to my bed are going to kick in and help me get a few minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I miss you so much, Baby.